Note To Myself

My first songs are a note to myself, me recognizing and seeing myself for the first time. Looking at all the layers of experience, peeling that off, then realizing I really wasn’t happy. I used these accumulated behaviors or social norms just to be accepted but ironically in my search for acceptance, which stems from fear of being alone, I ended up turning to self destruction just to fill a void. Intoxication and drugs on a daily basis lead me to lose many friends, jobs and kindness. I grew bitter and angry having thoughts of suicide and countless interactions with police authorities. Then Covid stopped by which was in actuality a blessing! Although I had lost everything it forced me to sit with myself for the first time take responsibility. I began to listen to myself and write it down which gave me an opportunity to look at myself from an outside perspective. I found it therapeutic but also scary. In the process of this deep analyzation I realized that my life did not belong to me. I realized that nothing I did, the job the boyfriend or even my descision to move to europe was made because of something real or honest but in order to prove a point, success! As I got to know myself I realized that I never gave myself a chance to be vulnerable or even fail at something. I never gave myself a chance to heal from childhood traumas because I was too busy taking care of everyone else. I never gave myself a chance to fully love or open up because I had walls built in places that were hidden due to my own coping mechanisms. I had no self esteem. I hated myself and that would not allow me to grow. 

This music is the first piece of art that I can say comes from my heart. Its a Kai stripped down, saying my truth and starting the healing process. It is okay not to be perfect but it’s not okay to say or do things based on someone else’s opinion. My intention with this EP is to find my way back to love consciousness and if you want to join me in that process then great but remember that we are all headed to the same place. Although some may take longer than others to get there it does not depreciate their value! Your journey is unique for you and has just as much value as any other living creature in the universe whether it be a grain of sand or a shooting star. I would like to help raise a society that looks into the dark corners and cleans out the cobwebs. A society that explores things in deep consciousness that may have been hidden away from us. Love will always win but first we have to love ourselves before we can love anyone else! 

The single “How Much” talks about the point in my life when I realized a simple truth! My life did not belong to me and with all the success I’ve accumulated it was not enjoyable because of some social issues that I picked up as a child. It’s like when you get the point and then you start asking yourself questions like how much can I take? How long should I put myself through this? It was the first step, a step to self recognition and acceptance!